{"id":3047,"date":"2024-08-23T23:50:29","date_gmt":"2024-08-23T20:50:29","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/d.theintegralinstitute.com\/?p=3047"},"modified":"2026-04-12T23:03:07","modified_gmt":"2026-04-12T20:03:07","slug":"a-coaching-approach-to-handling-complaints-so-what-do-you-want","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/theintegralinstitute.com\/en\/a-coaching-approach-to-handling-complaints-so-what-do-you-want\/","title":{"rendered":"A Coaching Approach to Handling Complaints \u2013 So, What Do You Want?"},"content":{"rendered":"

On average, a person complains 15-30 times a day. Before labeling someone as a complainer, it’s important to understand the psychology of complaining. Complaining has a psychologically soothing effect on the person doing it, providing a sense of relief or a “feel-good” effect. One of the fundamental human needs is the desire to connect and bond with others. People often use complaints as a way to establish closeness. For instance, in an elevator, we may look for a way to start a conversation with strangers, and many of us choose to comment on how hot or cold the weather is\u2014essentially, we complain. At the airport, we might talk about the delayed flight to connect with an unfamiliar person. Complaining can also create a bond and foster solidarity with the person we wish to communicate with.
\nWithout exception, every workplace has people who complain about something, right? These are individuals who, unable to find peace at work, are influenced by their negative inner voices and end up playing the role of the “victim.” From the outside, these people may seem like this. They can tell you in detail about which department made what mistake, which manager made the wrong decisions, and how the company leaders have failed, all from their own perspective. They use coffee breaks, lunch hours, meeting breaks, and one-on-one conversations to fill the atmosphere with toxic emotional clouds. According to DDI World research, only 14% of CEOs believe they have the leadership talent needed to drive growth<\/strong>, making structured leadership development<\/a> a strategic imperative.<\/p>\n

Complaints, with the emotions they carry and spread, feed and amplify feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. These feelings are contagious, much like yawning. I\u2019m sure everyone has experienced this in their career. Even if we don’t do it ourselves, we’ve been exposed to it. So, how can we view complaints from the other side\u2014as opportunities for satisfaction?
\nThis issue often comes up with my coaching clients. Some people are so caught up in complaining that they seem to be prisoners of negative emotions. Without realizing it, they\u2019re actually complaining about themselves too; they see their own shortcomings and what they can’t achieve. We might even call this self-criticism. The ICF\/PwC Global Coaching Study confirms that executive coaching delivers an average ROI of 529%<\/strong>, with organizations reporting measurable improvements in leadership effectiveness and business outcomes.<\/p>\n

No matter how negative or unpleasant it may seem, “complaining” is a need for some people. It\u2019s possible to approach it constructively from a positive perspective because complaints have great value. And when you see the potential of a complaint\u2014or help the other person see it\u2014that\u2019s when change begins. A coach essentially helps the person see this.
\nFrom a coaching perspective, recognizing “what is missing” is a special skill. Even though it may be a negative behavior, everything changes depending on where you look. People may not know how to turn this skill into something positive, and since they don\u2019t know how to express it, they end up being labeled as “complainers” at work or in their personal lives.
\nYes, complainers are not liked, especially in the workplace, where complaining is neither expected nor desired behavior. These people are not wanted because they spread toxic energy. However, it\u2019s possible to help both those who complain and those who are subjected to complaints using a coaching approach.<\/p>\n

First, you can help these individuals by viewing them not as “complainers” or “unwanted people” but as “people who want things to be different.” Companies that understand the value of complaints can truly improve and develop themselves. This is why Complaint Management is an important concept. Complaints\u2014or if you prefer, feedback\u2014are considered gifts in some cultures. When you give someone feedback on something you think is wrong or make a “complaint,” you\u2019re actually giving them a valuable opportunity\u2014you\u2019re holding up a mirror for them to see themselves and giving them a chance to change. Yes, complaints are that valuable\u2014your perspective is crucial.<\/p>\n

When you approach a complainer from this angle, you can help them shift their focus from negativity to expressing their desires. This also encourages them to focus on solutions for the issues they see as lacking or in need of change.
\nIf you\u2019re a good listener, it\u2019s not hard to find the formula for uncovering desires hidden in the judgments, evaluations, complaints, or ideas behind the complaint. It\u2019s something you can easily practice in daily life. The question “What do you want?” is very powerful and calming. Remember how effective this question was when the Genie in Aladdin’s Magic Lamp asked it?
\nThe energy and power of turning a complaint into a desire makes the complainer pause and pushes them to take responsibility for the problem, rather than just voicing it. The real goal isn\u2019t to offer solutions to the complaint but to encourage the person to take responsibility and focus on finding a solution. Because if you keep offering solutions, you might end up hearing complaints about your solutions too\u2014such as “We tried that before” or “It\u2019s impossible.” Instead of giving the complainer more areas to complain about, the wisest move is to ask them direct questions. Here are some strong questions you could ask:<\/p>\n

– What exactly do you want from me?
\n– How can you come up with a solution?
\n– What can you do in this situation?
\n– Where can you start to take action?
\n– Who can help you with this?
\n– How can I help you?<\/p>\n

So, how about asking someone to “stop complaining”? Asking someone to stop a behavior they\u2019re not aware is affecting themselves, their coworkers, and the company is not enough and might even have the opposite effect, leading to another unwanted behavior. Instead, asking them to “turn their complaint into a request” would be the best option.<\/span><\/p>\n

Whether you\u2019re the one complaining or you\u2019ve been asked to turn your complaint into a request, remember that every request has four possible answers:<\/span><\/p>\n

– Yes: Express your request without expecting to hear this answer.<\/span><\/p>\n

– No: A clear answer at least. You\u2019ll need to rethink and come up with new alternative requests.<\/span><\/p>\n

– Counteroffer: This will lay the groundwork for creating a mutually agreed solution, which means you\u2019re on the right track.<\/span><\/p>\n

– I\u2019ll look into it and get back to you: Keep following up.<\/span><\/p>\n

In a culture where individuals communicate their complaints as actionable requests and counteroffers, a climate of “helplessness” will give way to a climate of “possible alternative solutions.”<\/span><\/p>\n

How do you feel when someone comes to you with a list of complaints? How would you approach them if they came with a list of requests instead?<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

On average, a person complains 15-30 times a day. Before labeling someone as a complainer, it’s important to understand the psychology of complaining. Complaining has a psychologically soothing effect on the person doing it, providing a sense of relief or a “feel-good” effect. One of the fundamental human needs is the desire to connect and […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":13,"featured_media":3042,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","rank_math_title":"","rank_math_description":"","rank_math_focus_keyword":"Handling Complaints","rank_math_facebook_title":"","rank_math_facebook_description":"","rank_math_twitter_use_facebook":"","rank_math_robots":[],"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[49,263,257,254,259,260,262,215,247,256,208,222,261,258,255],"class_list":["post-3047","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-genel","tag-active-listening","tag-behavioral-change","tag-coaching-mindset","tag-complaining-behavior","tag-conflict-resolution","tag-constructive-feedback","tag-emotional-contagion","tag-emotional-intelligence","tag-employee-engagement","tag-feedback-culture","tag-leadership-communication","tag-organizational-culture","tag-personal-responsibility","tag-psychology-of-complaining","tag-workplace-communication"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/theintegralinstitute.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3047","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/theintegralinstitute.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/theintegralinstitute.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/theintegralinstitute.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/13"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/theintegralinstitute.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3047"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/theintegralinstitute.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3047\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":114969,"href":"https:\/\/theintegralinstitute.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3047\/revisions\/114969"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/theintegralinstitute.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3042"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/theintegralinstitute.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3047"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/theintegralinstitute.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3047"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/theintegralinstitute.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3047"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}